in 2007 I was diagnosed with Bipolar. The meds they gave me were wrong for me and I gave up on them for nearly a decade. In 2017 I went back and tried again.
There are no words for the difference and transformation I went through. Before I was a half a person where now I am almost whole. Sometimes I like to think of the bipolar like a black sluge stuck inside my head and the medicine.
It is not perfect but its 70 percent better. It is always going to be there like a dark passenger, the meds just gave me the tools to fight.
I currently take Zoloft, lithium and hydroxozyn with very little side effects. Because I am ridiculously lucky I found the right combination on the third try.
“I NEVER HAVE TO FEEL WORTHLESS AGAIN”
The meds turn down the volume on all the bad emotions. And one of the worst emotions I have ever felt was worthless. I remember think at the chart of me taking meds, don’t get fooled it will come back. Now it has been two and a half years and I have never felt that pit of darkness since.
I don’t have a desire to drink anymore. I have the occasional drink on my birthday and New Years eve. But I just don’t care to get f**Ked up anymore. I drank more than I care to admit in my younger days. And during that time the thought of quitting drinking was like death to me. I was trying to make myself a whole person with alcohol.
I smile more and cry less. My life doesn’t feel like a mess. lol I did not mean for that to rhyme.
He is a little baby Angel and I love seeing him. He is getting so big.
I had the best time at the lake for my birthday. I went camping for the days and it was amazing. Thank you to everyone for all the birthday wishes and for making my birthday so special.
I was so excited to go see the new baby. Even though lol you guys know I am never having kids because gross. I still wanted to see the precious little angel. I am so happy everything worked out. I have never seen a woman who wanted to be a mom more than my pal baby Ashley and it feels good to see someones dream come true.
Today at my job, a patron whom I admire dearly asked me about my boyfriend. I tried to just ignore it but he was slightly persistent. I think he just is a nice friendly guy and just trying to make pleasant conversation. But it takes a little time to explain my choices and there are always many follow-up questions.
When I was 5 I knew in my gut that wasn’t for me. Weddings, kids, dresses and all that just did not impress me. I had dolls growing up and I did go through a really preppy phase after high school but I never wanted to get married or have kids.
I could go on for days about why I have chosen to live with a dog for the rest of my life. I like my personal space and having my bed to myself. I love doing whatever I feel like with my schedule and I never clean up after anyone. I have felt this way for over twenty years. All I need is my family and my dog little bear.
I plan on marrying myself. I know it would not be legal but I saw a kit on google. You do a ceremony and you marry yourself. When I have the extra money I am so doing this. So stay tuned to my blog for a marriage to myself, because I am officially engaged to myself.
I am loving the look and my shaved head has never felt so cool. I am really thinking about keeping the look. What do you guys think?
Watch the video of me shaving my head
I have called my grandmother Mema for as long as I can remember. Today she does not remember that or my face. I love her so much and god bless her she is still such a nice person to everyone. It is just her nature to be so nice. Sometimes she starts to understand what is going on and it is so cool reminding her what an amazing person she was. She made so many lives better and touched so many hearts from being so giving. I am so happy to have a car know and am going to visit once a month.
X-files is one of my favorite shows of all time. I have watched so many hours of it and it is so interesting to me. I do get a little tired of the government conspiracies parts but overall it is a great show. I will definitely be writing a blog post about this show.
I don’t want to believe and I find the idea of it infuriating . The thought that aliens could take my fellow-man makes me so mad. LIke how dare they just hurt people in vain. I know hurting happens everyday but in most places we call that battery and assault with a side of kidnapping. I don’t want to believe that this could be true because I might busts a blood vessel from getting so angry lol
.Overall x-files is a great show and I highly recommend it to nerds. But if you are like me and get angry about alien abduction then you might have to skip a few episodes.
Click here to buy the first season on dvd from Amazon:
Click here to buy the complete series collectors addition:
I am going to use this post to tell you how I finally made it.
I finally made it to happiness. All the problems in my life have been healed. I have a new smile instead of a broken mouth, I started taking mental health meds and my positive thinking is now amped up, and last but not least my precious baby little bear made it through a life threatening ordeal.
I always tried to be a happy person but now I don’t have to try anymore, I am just happy. Thank God.
Recently my dog became pregnant. Little Bear will be 11 in February and I thought she was too old to become pregnant. And it was by the smallest dog I know Facebones.
No pups came out and I belive she had a miscarriage. When I called the vet, the amount they said I would have to put down to do a C-section, well lets just way I would have to work for a month and a half without eating or electric to pay it. Even if I got the money together then there is no guarantee she would even survive the procedure and if she was dying I did not want her last minutes to be in surgery. It was rough for 2 days straight I could barely do anything and I slept on a blow up matres next to her. I thought she was dying in my arms like 20 times. Even now I am choking back tears to write this. It really shook me up. At work I was so worried I would come home to her lifeless body and then a miracle.
Today was the worst when I woke up little bear was really in a poor condition but I had to go to work because I had taken too much time off to be with her. I raced home when I got off and she was up for the first time in days tail waging and barking like crazy. And now the happy tears are flowing because I am so lucky. It is a blessing from god. I have such reason to count my blessing and little Bear is now at the top of that list.
I have had little Bear 10 years and maybe I will have her 10 more.
I still am in shock about her pulling through. I am so lucky to have my best friend for this extra time.